Dear Daily Mail,

I don?t know how you generally kickstart your working week, but at 6am on a Monday morning I?m just about hanging in to my last REM cycle before being woken up by a 5 year old, to begin the email flails and checklists that have gathered in my inbox from the last midnight-on-Sunday clearout.

I get up, meditate, do some morning yoga, lift some weights and pop a fat scoop of protein shake, a slug of coconut cream, peanut butter and two shots of coffee in my blender ? adept by now at making whey protein taste like something remotely palatable. It?s like a peanut butter mocha. You?re welcome.

This morning I woke up at 0515 to a flurry of emails ? Google alerts and missives from concerned friends and readers ? and I groaned as I clicked the link, mentally steeling myself for the staggering lies and inaccuracies I knew would be on the other side. It seems your ?deputy diary editor? Richard Eden, who impertinently emailed me on a Sunday lunchtime to try to link my personal life with my transition, doesn?t actually speak to the ?diary person?, Seb Shakespeare. How very odd. So, for the avoidance of any doubt, I enclose the email conversation that looks like it wasn?t passed along the amoeba chain. (#NotAllAmoeba)

And so, blow by blow, here?s all the shit you managed to get wrong in a surprisingly short diary piece. Some of my readers will ask why I?m bothering to do this. Because someone cannot lie about me with impunity on a public platform, and expect not to be called out on it. And absolutely cannot lie about someone I love, and expect not to be called a shitbag for it. For avoidance of doubt, Richard Eden and Seb Shakespeare, you are shitbags. Fetid rumour-mongering turdy little trolls festering in the gangrenous gossip-column scrotum of the internet.

1.The headline. ? Foodie Jack Monroe splits from chef ? as she announces she is transgender? is a complete lie. The eagle eyed among you will notice that I moved to Southend five months before I came out as transgender. By eagle-eyed, I mean, it?s all over my blog and Instagram and doesn?t take a genius to work out why I suddenly need to restock an entire kitchen and am instagramming pics of my rather delicious but sadly single bed. A five month gap would tell anyone but the most salacious gossipy pricks that these two events are unrelated. In between the two I have been to Vegas, yet no ?Jack Monroe jets to Vegas as they announce they are transgender? headline. I have had three tattoos, yet no ?Jack Monroe gets three tattoos as they announce they are transgender? headline. I have gained a stone (mostly muscle, thankyou), yet no ?Jack Monroe gains a stone as they announce they are transgender? headline. I have done a poo (or 150), yet no ?Jack Monroe takes a dump as they announce they are transgender? headline. You get me?

2. ?She?. See here for media guidance around pronouns:

?and see here for where I explicitly pointed that out to your journalist. No excuses.

3. ?She is?? should be ?They are??

4. ?Sainsbury?s former pin-up girl?. Having never bent over with my bum in the air, nor donned a pair of stockings for them, I?m not sure the term pin-up girl is entirely accurate.

This is a pin up girl.

This is not.

5&6: ?Jack Monroe has seen things go off the boil in her love life.? Er, nope. And ?their love life?. It?s not that hard.

7. ?The tattooed 27-year-old?s engagement has been called off.? As much the tattoos fault as the trans-outing fault, I suppose, but you never miss an opportunity to remind your pearl-clutching readership that I am a Tattooed Person. I expect all future stories about Samantha Cameron to refer to her as ?The tattooed Prime Ministers wife? in the interests of balanced reporting.

8. ??the latest set-back for Jack? ? Firstly, ?setback? is all one word, and my transition is not a setback, it is an enormous amount of freedom.

9&10. ? who was reportedly dropped by Sainsbury?s after she accused David Cameron?? ? Reported by you, which was a lie. Quelle suprise. I filmed a television advert in October 2013 for Sainsburys along with 3 other food bloggers. It aired for 6 weeks from December 2013 to February 2014, and that was that. In November 2014 you reported that they had dropped me ?over? my comments re Cameron and the NHS. This was and still is a lie. I made one advert, one year before, and we had no ongoing relationship beyond me still shopping there occasionally. Ugh you suck. Also ?she? should be ?they?.

11. Again: ?She?? should be ?They??

12. ??has considered breast removal?? BECAUSE SURGERY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF ALL OF THIS BECAUSE TITS AND COCKS AND COCKS AND TITS. It?s so puerile. If you care a jot about accuracy, I am currently training for a marathon in April so will see how my body shape changes naturally with running and weight training before making any snap decisions about surgical procedures. The preferred term is ?chest reduction? rather than ?breast removal? BTW. As for any other surgical speculation, I already have bigger balls than your entire newspaper, to say nothing of my cock collection, and we?ll leave that there.

13. ??as part of her?? = ??as part of their??

14. ??sex change?? Not a term that is okay to use. See this handy infographic for details. (Apparently you helped All About Trans make this?)

15. ?but one ex-fiancee ?hit the roof? at the idea, telling her?? Again, telling THEM.

16. ?She adds? should be ?They added?.

17. ? ?When someone tells you that the core of your relationship is your bra size, you hightail it and run.? I?m being picky now but the end of my tether is a pedantic place to be ? the original quote didn?t have the ?it? shoehorned in. In terms of writing content and quality, I hate to call rank on Seb Shakespeare with the ?number one bestseller? card, but don?t mangle my words to fit your shite gossip column. Thanks.

18. Dat pic. It?s a very happy one, granted, and I look good, but if you really wanted to rile your readers why not go for the full on masculine tats out and a Marlboro red job? A missed opportunity, I feel.

19. But at least you had the good sense not to insert my deadname into this article, which is a first. Less ?good sense? and more ?bored of paying my legal fees? though, isn?t it?

20. As warned in our correspondence yesterday, my lawyer will be in touch. (Let?s cut out all the middlemen and see if your other columnist, of the last legal wrangle, will foot your bill?)

With my VERY best wishes and an awful lot of red pen,

Jack Monroe. (F. See me after class.)

Now, protein shake and a bloody hard run. I once promised myself to do 15 reps of either press ups, sit ups or weights for every time I responded to trolls. Someday soon I?ll have the body of a Chippendale, and Seb Shakespeare will still be writing in his angsty little diary. I?ll send y?all a signed pic to say thanks for your contribution. Ooft.

PPS, courtesy of Brian Bilson, and thank?s H for the reminder: